Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. I'd like to apologize to him because he didn't deserve that. And I think it's natural for some people to want to. After some thought, I decided not to write my ex back, and to treat the apology with a little bit of stoicism. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Definitely not. Some of our newly rediscovered friendships may very well pick back up and grow in their meaning in your lives, as theyll reflect the shared experience of the pandemic anxiety and fallout that is happening as the friendship is heating back up. You dont dictate the pace, criticize your ex, or talk about the breakup. Think about your life right now. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. The bottom line is that if youre thinking about starting the relationship again, you must think about it carefully. Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. When you know why he or she reached out, youll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure themselves, reconnecting with an ex after 10 years isnt going to do the trick. He also had trust issues before we got together. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. If it was a nasty breakup and you still have some resentment toward this person, you will have to fight the urge to not curse them out loud. Here Are 16 Coping Tips, The 4 Bases In Relationships That We Unanimously Agree On. I confirmed that I had actually found out I was pregnant with his child shortly after we broke up but I didnt abort it. Very small group of 3,500 so chance of me seeing a message from her I worked out was like 20 million to one. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. 6. He mentioned catching up and I respectfully declined, immediately established the limit. Its imperative that you learn why your ex reached out after so many years so that you know what to do with your ex. Now that you are planning your life with a new person, the chances of your ex-partner getting back together with you are practically zero. If you still have feelings for this ex, and are considering the prospect of getting back together, dont just jump into it. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. I'd be more likely to reach out to his wife and apologize for not seeing sooner how hurt she was, and that I was being selfish (I was, entirely). If you're in the midst of a no contact rule, which includes time frames of 21 days, 30 days, and 45 days, you may be sitting and thinking that you should respond back to your ex. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. I told him I am married now. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. If your relationship went on for any significant period of time, it can be really easy to start fantasizing about how awesome dating is going to be once its over. Ah, ex sex. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. Theyre literally just checking up on you to see if youre well. But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. Maybe they want you to come to the hospital and say goodbye, or theyre calling to invite you to the funeral. However, your ex might also be reaching out because they want closure, because they want to be friends, or because they just want to hook up one last time. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. So they come back, tail between their legs, ready to renegotiate their bond with you. It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. Society typically tells us that people don't change. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). Perhaps they dont have the energy to get to know another person from scratch, to reach the level of ease and intimacy that you shared. They were also more likely . If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). I think youre right. Some dumpers break up with their partners, enjoy their lives, date other people for a while, and then realize they arent happy. When we experience a sense of danger or face threats, most of us immediately are driven to seek out our support network members. Nah. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . On the contrary, the partner who initiated this breakup would get a reality check. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. I imagine he just wants to check up. So, you spent three sleepless nights wondering about their true intention behind a simple Hi. She reached out a few years ago but she didn't really make any effort to apologize and kind of half-asses the friendship now. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. The ill-fated lets be friends cliche is still alive and well. Its up to you. So they pick up the phone, dial your number, and hope youre just as lonely as them and willing to have a conversation. However, the primary reason the no contact rule works is that you're not supposed to respond to your ex. They will be able to compare the different aspects of their life with and without your presence in it. Video calls with loved ones are really meaningful when youre not getting to see anyone outside of your own reflection in the mirror. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. I think you should let this one go. I've been honestly tempted since reevaluating everything about the last ten years of my life. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. Basically, he sent me a very long email (that's his way of communication.) I'm Sorry for What Happened His email said that he'd had some things on his mind. Whatever the bad news, your ex thought youd want to know about it. Maybe it is best to let it be. . Maybe you thought youve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. On the contrary, what if your ex got dumped and just wanted to check in on you? This reminds us that whatever the threat is that were facing, it can be overcome. Or maybe you both ended things mutually and somehow stayed out of touch for years. Tell him, "thanks for calling, hope he is having a good life". In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. They want to hear it from you directly. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. Despite going on several dates after breaking up with their ex-partner, they never met anyone worth having a serious relationship with. If that's what he needs from me I'm afraid my reaction might not offer much comfort. 10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. I dont think there is a deep hidden meaning here. In all honesty, there is no "after no contact" as no contact is . The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. You are moving on and they are jealous. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. There are several reasons why exs reach out years later, including they are just checking up on you, they want to offer a sincere apology, or they are jealous of your happiness. When exes come back after no contact, it startles you for a second. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. Why Are My Exs Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me? Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. The relationship might not be the most exciting in the world, but after several fiery encounters with people who dont accept them for who they are, they realize theyd rather be with someone they can be themselves around. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. It was two years since the end of the relationship this September and I feel like I have wasted two years of my lifetime. Closure, like forgiveness, is something you do for yourself. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. If youve healed, youre not going to overthink too much. In fact,researchsuggests that 40-50% of peoplere-establish contactwith exes and start a relationship again. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. I'd been warm and affectionate with him, but except during sex (we were each others first), I never said I loved him. later: Unfortunately, the knowledge that youre there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. I realised after a few weeks that I was the only one initiating again. Long time. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants. But telling him things that would hurt him? Yeah - no. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. Now theyve matured, they realize how terrible of a partner they were and how their actions could have caused you to have trust issues. Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. In fairness, you were in your teens when you got together, and they were clueless about relationships. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else? He also has a kid. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. I understand why one might feel this way to be honest. But that alone wont help you gain closure. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. I got a message on Linkedin today andI'm so confused (the message said I came up in their feed I don't even know how that's possible we live in opposite side of the world, work in different industries and don't share contacts)? There is simply no need to reconnect with him now that youre married and doing well. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. He has a wife and two adorable girls now and Im happy for him. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. It felt good verifying that intuition. We dated about 8 years ago and he reached out around the 5 year mark. Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). You dont owe anyone an explanation for not responding. Curiosity mainly. #1 Listen To What They've Got To Say Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what they've got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. If the relationship ended bad, let's say cheating involved or constant arguing while together I'd say let it lay and don't bother. I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. Keep me posted. How many do, I don't know. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again.