And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. Oh, god, me too! Honestly, things could happen anywhere, so his questioning that the trip is in Vegas sounds like a cover. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. You should protect your son! And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. who believe the TV/movie depictions of the city and sort of forget that there are people who live there and work there, going about their everyday lives. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. He easily sleeps 4 hours. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Contributors control their own work and . She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Im not diagnosing at all. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. In either case though, go on the trip. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Would he demand she quit? Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. They might feel left out or unimportant. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Agree with the advice for counseling. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. Its a him issue. Does he not control other things about your life OP? And it ignores other possible explanations. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. I think thats reasonable. Your husband is being unreasonable. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). I dont think thats something you really need to dive into OP (since thats not the real issue here), but I thought Id mention it to say that youre not the one thats offbase here. And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? Your friend is a wise woman. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Scheduled calls are a great idea. My jaw literally dropped. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. This. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. Ive needed counseling in the past to deal with some trauma that led me down that path, so I wholeheartedly agree with Alison that you both face this problem head on. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. Well, it depends. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. We all had a blast. Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. Honestly, it feels awful. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. You are agood person for trying tobond with your husbands family. My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. Or leave? Thanks for the partially chewed chili on my keyboard. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. Once when I ended things with a guy Id been dating, he called me a few days later and said hed taken a poll of his friends and they all agreed I didnt have real cause to break up with him so we should resume things. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. What if he dies? This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. For the OP, thats the problem here. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. Co-worker had a wonderful time. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. He does worry about my safety. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Abusers often (successfully!) Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. Why wont he go on the trip with you? My grandmother pays for the trip. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Youd have to make an effort to get kidnapped, I think. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. The weather sucks in Vegas. me go. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. Business trips are the only time I like going to Vegas. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has.
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